How To Tell If She Has Fake Boobs (coedmagazine)

Red Sox Fans Take Tazers Well (bustedcoverage)

I Hate Nature (collegehumor)

The Meth Catches Up With Fergie (drunkenstepfather)

Salma Hayek’s Boobs Are Freakin’ Huge (hollywoodtuna)

6 Famous People Who Pissed Away A Fortune (cracked)

Ball-Busting Fun For The Whole Family (gigglesugar)

How Scarface Got His Groove Back (screenjunkies)

Culture Of Debt Gets A Shopping Movie

Girl Getting Car Repoed Throws Hysterical Fit (i-am-bored)

Mark Wahlberg Hates SNL (celebslam)

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Sometimes when you have to fart, you know you can’t, because if you do, you’ll shit your pants. So you hold it in. The reason that you know to hold it in, is because at some point when you were younger, you farted, and in doing so shit your pants. Right after that happened, while the shit was still in your pants, you thought to yourself, “From now on I will always be cognizant of the fact that if I attempt to fart and I feel as though I might shit my pants, I’m not going to take the chance and fart.” So, using the fart-shit-pants theory, it’s peculiar to me that Jamie Lynn Spears, who juuuust got pregnant with a baby she didn’t want, may be pregnant again, with another baby she doesn’t want. Nationalenquirer.com reports:

Despite anonymous public denials, a Spears family member has come forward and confirmed that 17-year-old Jamie Lynn IS pregnant again!

What’s more, The NATIONAL ENQUIRER has learned that Casey Aldridge, the baby’s father, erupted in anger when he found out.

I like that they said he “erupted in anger.” As men, no matter how many years of sex education we’ve had, or how well versed we are with the process of how babies are made, when a woman tells us we’ve gotten her pregnant we react like a retarded child that David Blaine has just performed street magic for; “NO WAY! HOW THE?! WHA? NO WAY!”

Now, keep in mind this was a story reported by the National Enquirer, which is sort of like your mother telling you you’re the best looking kid in school; it may very well be true, but I’d wait until a few more people concur before I’d go around stating it as fact. But there are some signs that lead me to believe it might be. For instance, look at this screen grab from last nights episode of Wheel of Fortune:

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The New Kids On The Block were in Las Vegas this weekend for their reunion tour, where they performed for a crowd of screaming 40-year old women. According to TMZ:

“Last night in Las Vegas, the New Kids arrived to the kind of crowd that used to go bonkers for ‘em 20 years ago…In all my years in Vegas, I’ve never seen such pandemonium over anybody.”

My sister used to have a NKOTB sleeping bag.  Once, on a family camping trip, I emptied a whole tube of toothpaste into the bottom of her sleeping bag as a prank. She didn’t realize that it was filled with toothpaste until the next morning, because she woke up covered in toothpaste. I got in big trouble and wasn’t allowed to go fishing with the rest of the family, and I had to stay at the campsite by myself and shoot chipmunks with a BB gun. I think it’s pretty clear that NKOTB is to blame for the whole situation. Because of them, I had to miss a fun fishing trip, and a whole bunch of chipmunks (and one squirrel) got seriously injured. Way to hang tough, New Kids.

As for the New Kids’ performance, I think this pic from backstage pretty much says it all:

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I don’t know what the hell that machine is for, but Wal Mart is selling it as “SUMMER’S EVE FEMININE SPRAY ULTRA - EXTRA STRENGTH”. I used to think that Summer’s Eve was a cleansing liquid that women told their daughters about while they were walking along the beach. But I guess when the liquid doesn’t do the trick, you need to call in the heavy duty machinery to make sure your vagina has an acceptable odor.

via gorillamask

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I’ve never paid money to fight a celebrity. The closest I’ve come is one time I paid a 10 dollar cover to get into a music show, and I accidentally bumped into the chick who played Punky Brewster and she turned around really angrily, and told me to “watch where the f*&k you’re going.” Anyway, I’m not sure if Michael Lohan is a celebrity, but if you have a few hundred dollars, you can try and beat the shit out of him. Splashnewsonline.com reports:

Michael Lohan is set to find out who bid to fight him at this years annual Fight For Charity in NYC. Lindsay Lohan’s dad has offered himself up for three rounds to the highest bidder in order to raise money for local communities.

I think from now on, we should decide how famous a person is, by how much people are willing to pay to fight their dad. Then the studios could use that when they negotiate the star’s contracts. “I don’t know Tom, I’m looking at the numbers and it looks like people just aren’t paying what they used to, to hypothetically beat the shit out of your dad. I’m sorry, but I think you’re a no go for Mission Impossible 4.”

Sometimes I think, “why can’t right now be more like ancient Rome?” Mostly because they used to find weird animals and make them fight, but also because if this Lohan boxing match happened then, it wouldn’t be a boxing match. It’d be Lohan, and a bunch of other lose family members of celebrities, fighting for their freedom. Then if they win, Stephen Baldwin can look to the crowd and go “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?” and someone can shout “Yeah, but that doesn’t make up for Bio Dome.”

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As the economy struggles to find itself, there are new fears that America will be plunged into an economic downward spiral that would rival the Great Depression of the 1930s. But if we look around, it seems that we might already be in the early stages of a serious economic decline. Here’s how the New Depression compares to the Great Depression.

1. The Great Depression - Unemployed men are forced to stand in line for hours on end just to get a few scraps of bread and a small bowl of warm soup that they can bring home to their starving families.

VS.

The New Depression - The economy has gotten so bad that four people, presumably unemployed, actually go into an Arby’s.

2. The Great Depression - During the depression many children took on greater responsibilities at an earlier age than later generations would. Some teenagers found jobs when their parents could not, reversing the normal roles of provider and dependent.

VS.

The New Depression - With everyone tightening their belts, children of the New Depression are unable to afford a Wii, PS3 or Xbox 360, so they are forced to play with their old Sega Dreamcasts.
Continue reading…

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There’s really no point in even writing the news article if you’ve already got a headline like this. We have all the information we really need and adding in anything else like facts or dates or details would just feel like overkill.

Other crap to look at:
Anna Paquin gets nude in a video (egotastic)
Hugh Hefner’s new twins are felons (idontlikeyouinthatway)
Ashley Scott signs some girl’s chest (drunkenstepfather)
Suzanne Carlson is attractive (gorillamask)
Unlucky pigeon has really bad timing (nothingtoxic)
Emma Griffiths hates clothes (doubleviking)
Stacy Keibler in Maxim (cameltap)
The best of Ari Gold (tastybooze)
Indiana Jones was raped (theblemish)
We can always count on Salma Hayak’s cleavage (FListed)
Jennifer Connolly goes topless (mrskin)

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Age: 30

Where you’ve seen her: Alena Seredova was named Vice Miss Czech Republic back in 1998 and since then has appeared in the European versions of Penthouse and Playboy. She’s married to Gianluigi Buffon, who apparently plays soccer for Juventus.

MILF Status: Last December she squeezed and pushed and a littly tiny soccer player came kicking and screaming out of her vagina. Beautiful.

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Some important people on Broadway are doing a musical about Spiderman. From Film Drunk:

“Broadway producer Julie Taymor (The Lion King) is working on a broadway musical about Spiderman…the budget is $40 million, the most expensive production in theater history.”

There are also serious plans in the works for a musical version of Fight Club. It’s obvious what’s going on here: Whoever is in charge of Broadway is trying to get men to come to musicals by making them about things that guys like. It’s never going to work, but If that’s what they’re going for, then here are some Broadway musicals that guys might see:

Continue reading…

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